God Knows I Love Bono . . . .

But this was too funny to pass up:

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd, pierces the quiet ............. "Well, foockin stop doin it then!"

Urban Chickens

Did I forget to mention that we now have chickens? Real ones, as in pets, not dinner. Their names are Sophia and Zsu Zsu, and they should begin earning their keep as egg-layers in late August. They have a blog, Urban Chickens, but Thomas does most of the writing since they moved out of the house. There's a link in the sidebar, if you're interested in finding out what it's like to keep chickens in an urban setting.

Reminder for My Chocoholic Friends

You know who you are, so don't make me name names.

I'm not terribly high maintenance. Aside from time with my family, there are few things that I want/need on a fairly regular basis. In no particular order: red meat (sorry, vegan friends), red wine, coffee, and chocolate. Actually, I'm lying; they are in ascending order. And coffee and chocolate are in more of a tie. But someone is trying to mess with my chocolate supply--the US produced portion of it, that is.

As I mentioned before, the US Chocolate Manufacturers Association has petitioned the Food and Drug Administration for permission to replace the cocoa butter in chocolate with vegetable solids. Instead of milk, they're asking to use whey, what's left after milk has been curdled and strained.

Please check out Don't Mess With Our Chocolate for info about the petition and how you can let the FDA know that you want your chocolate to be just that: chocolate. The public comment period ends June 25.

Otherwise, keep supporting the boutique brands (Gearhart's Chocolate comes to mind--and they ship! Full disclosure--I went to school with the chocolatier, before his chocolate days), or just increase your purchases of European chocolate. Belgian, Swiss, French--all good.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your children. For the love of god, do it for me.

And They're on the Loose

Ten minutes after I put the girls to bed, Charlotte walked into the kitchen with what sounded remarkably like a "Ta Da!" to announce that she had learned to climb out of her crib.

Upside: it's a testament to how well her physical therapy is going.

Downside: Charlotte learned to climb out of her crib.

Upside: Hannah "escaped" from her crib at 15 months (Charlotte is 2-1/2).

Downside: Now I have to duct tape them both to the bed.

Just kidding. We're fresh out.

The Weekly Dammit

New feature! I thought that I'd try to consolidate some of little annoyances into one weekly post instead of agonizing over whether they were, separately, bloggable. These are not earth-shaking issues, just relatively minor annoyances. They don't even qualify for an f-bomb, so (probably) no current events--and, yes, I'm taking bets on how long that will last.

Dammit #1:
San Jose Mercury News: Citing the drop in readership and ad revenue, the San Jose Mercury News has decided to stop publishing Perspective, the Sunday op-ed section. They will keep the two page spread in the daily paper that includes about five short columns plus 8-10 letters from readers. None of whom, apparently, read the Sunday section. To boost revenue, the Merc is expanding the the Tech section from a weekly to a daily. So get your geek on!

I know that some consider the age of the printed word to have passed, but I'm not one of those people. While I do read several newspapers online whenever I get the chance, I love the morning ritual of coffee and the paper then breakfast, and the fact that Hannah and Charlotte also like to "read" the paper with breakfast. (And that's just the newspaper--for me, the smell of a new, freshly printed book ranks up there with the smell of chocolate chip cookies, hot from the oven.)

God help us if Macy's ever goes out of business; their incessant sales must be responsible for more than half of the ad revenue in the Mercury News and who knows how many other papers.

Dammit #2:
The Washington Post does not deliver to my area.

Dammit #3:
Studio 60 is still being canceled. I know I've whined about this before, but NBC is in the process of burning off the final episodes, which just further rams home the point that they no longer have the guts to give a scripted show a chance. Especially when they can use the time slot for another piece of "Realicrap TV." The final shows are on Thursday nights now; you can also watch them online.

Dammit #4:
Possibly to mess with those of us who prefer TiVo to sitting through commercials, NBC and other stations are screwing with the scheduled start and end times of some shows. Not all the time, but enough to make you miss the final minutes of certain shows. Time changes are often noted in the schedules posted online.

Dammit #5:
The Series 3 TiVo-HD runs about $800 from TiVo, though you can get it from Costco for $600. Which means we'll be waiting a while before upgrading. Read Thomas's posts on the Direct TV DVR and you'll know why we're going back to TiVo--eventually.


I guess that's enough for one week. And look, Ma! No politics!

Girl Power

This morning, Hannah told me that there was a monster in the room and that she wanted to shoot it with an arrow. Except that only boys could be archers.

This is a conversation we've had a few times. I blame it on the Disney princess movies, and I blame myself for letting her watch them. We talk about how Mulan was a soldier and fought the Huns, how Belle stood up to the Beast, and on and on. But somehow, her takeaway is that princesses need to be saved by princes, notwithstanding my reminders that:

"Mulan saved the captain AND the Emperor AND China!"

"Belle saved her father AND the Beast!"

So this morning, when she said "only boys can be archers," I told her that girls can do anything that boys can do--except pee standing up.

Thomas assures me that he has a friend who can teach her to do that, too.

So Just How Litigious Are We? Or, The $54 Million Dollar Pants

Hannah has her first dance recital in a couple of weeks and her costume requires big, curly hair. Hannah's hair is straight, so I bought a curling iron, something I haven't owned since high school. Packaged together with the curling iron was a card warning that the curling iron was a burn hazard and to keep it away from children. That part I understand. But on the reverse was "CAUTION--THIS PRODUCT CAN BURN EYES."

No really, look:

There can only be one reason that notice was required: Someone tried to curl her eyelashes. And got burned. And then sued because someone should have mentioned that sticking a hot piece of metal in your eye might hurt.

This got me thinking about what's been called the year's most frivolous lawsuit:

A former administrative law judge, Roy Pearson, is suing the owners of a Washington, DC, dry cleaner because they lost his pants. His 54 million dollar pants. He claims that these pants were part of a $1,100 suit. The rest of the $54 million is for his pain and suffering. No attorney fees since he's representing himself. And no, it does not appear that the judge required any type of psychiatric screening before allowing the lawsuit to go forward.


Technically, the case isn't about the pants. It's that the dry cleaner didn't live up to their satisfaction guarantee. As reported by Marc Fisher, live blogging the trial,

"Pearson told the defense lawyer that if the tables were turned and he were in the place of the Chung family, the owners of the Northeast Washington cleaners who purportedly lost Pearson's pants, he would have immediately written a check for $1,150--the replacement value of the Hickey Freeman suit to which the pants belonged--to provide the satisfaction that the store's "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign promised.

It took more than 10 minutes and numerous attempts by both Manning and Judge Judith Bartnoff to get Pearson to answer a question about whether anyone has the right to walk into any cleaners and claim $1,150 simply by saying that their suit had been lost. Finally, Pearson said that the law requires that "The merchant would have an obligation to honor their demand."

"So your answer is Yes?" Manning asked.

"Yes," Pearson said." "

Not to be cynical, but it's only June. Calling this the year's most frivolous lawsuit is just begging for someone to top it. Any takers?

Only in America, baby.

Blogging: Help or Hinderance in the Job Search?

So I've been thinking about going back to work. To an actual "in-house" (as in, "out of my house") job. Truth be told, I'm beyond the "thinking about" stage and even past the "going on an interview" stage. That's right, I already did it: my first interview in six years. It went as well as you might expect, with little flakes of rust and wisps of dust flying here and there.

If I can remember back that far, job interviews are like first dates:

Pre-date jitters? Check
Worried about saying the wrong thing? Check
Afraid they'll Google you and read your blog? Ok, so that one hadn't come up before (my last "first date" was 11 years ago).

But what to do when you write a blog that, because of its personal nature--not to mention the occasional typo--is bound to offend some prospective employers? Over the past year I've written about the girls, the dog, the dog spelled backwards, the war in Iraq, the current administration, hockey, selling a house, buying a house, landscaping, girly girls, the mommy wars, my first visit to Yosemite, traveling with small children, BlogHer, the 2006 Nobel Peace prize, farting dogs, the Panoz Esperante GT, a plea for donations for Charlotte's school and a host of other topics.

Blog For Jobs, a site for people who, well, blog for jobs, says that "blogs can give employers insight into a person’s writing ability and how one thinks." But they also go on to quote experts who opine that, to use your blog in your job search, "it’s critical to focus your topics on your industry and highlight what you know." By that logic, one might think that I'm pretty much screwed.

But I'm a writer (please note: not an expert proofreader). I used to make a living exclusively as a copywriter, but I've branched out. The blog is already out there, so if I'm Googled, well, there it is. Hopefully, prospective employers would use it to get an idea of my writing ability and not hold my opinions against me. Besides, the blog also showcases some of the things one might not put on a resume: mild sarcasm and a good sense of humor come to mind.

Are You Stupid?

No, no--I'm not asking you! You, of course, are brilliant. And very attractive.

But Dictionary.com asked me that question when I foolishly decided to double check the meaning of a word (actually the nuance between "despot" and "dictator," if you must know):

Ads by Google

Are You Stupid?
Can't Find Answers? Take the Quiz. Find out if You're Stupid!
TheStupidQuiz.com/stupid

So to answer: I didn't think so before, but now I do feel a little stupid, thanks.

Perhaps Google and Dictionary.com need to work on their ad placement?

Or maybe I just need to use another reference. Until my skin thickens up a bit, anyway.

Presidential Debate Fun!

From an article in the New York Times on tonight's Republican presidential debate:

"Several candidates were also asked about ways they, in office, would put George W. Bush to work as a former president. Former Gov. Tommy Thompson of Wisconsin quipped, “I certainly would not send him to the United Nations," which stirred some slightly awkward laughter from the audience. He then said he would send Mr. Bush “out on a lecture series talking to the youth of America” to talk about honesty and integrity." (emphasis added)

Hannah Strikes Again

Yesterday was my birthday.

I was feeling okay about turning 38 (Yikes!), okay enough that I didn't bother with the "Oh, I'll be 29. Again."

Until Hannah and I went to pick out my birthday cake.

We went to Pamplemousse in downtown Redwood City. They serve lunch, but the main attraction is what's in the dessert case. The unbelievably gorgeous confections are all as good--if not better--than they look. If you live in town and haven't been yet, you must go. If you're not in town, it's well worth the drive.

As I was asking about the availability of certain cakes, Hannah kindly informed the staff that it was my birthday. And as I was paying for the luscious triple chocolate mousse cake, she volunteered the information that "Mommy is 80 years old today."

EIGHTY.

The woman helping us, thinking that Hannah had said "eighteen," congratulated me on having such a sweet little girl.

I told her that, had she actually said "eighteen," Hannah would have been given another cookie. But since she said "eighty" (though there are days when I feel that old), Hannah was instead grounded. Until I turn 81.

Random Thought for A Friday

I was watching an HDNet program the other night that had images of the space shuttle sitting idle on the launch pad, the nose cone pocked with hail damage. Why? Because they left it out during the storm. It's not that easy to get it back into it's hanger on short notice, you know.

But does it really have to be that way? There are companies that manufacture tents capable of holding 3000 of your closest friends, family or colleagues. A tent.

So can't NASA design a (very, very, very tall) tent-like structure to shield the shuttle whenever it's just waiting there on the launch pad? Sure it would be expensive, but it has to be better than the alternative.

I hate to bring up the whole "they put a man on the moon" thing, but c'mon. Thomas won't leave his car out in a hail storm; I'm pretty sure that the shuttle cost a bit more.

Hannah's Gallery, Updated

I've finally posted more to Hannah's Gallery. This represents but a fraction of her output over the past month and there is more to come. I'll try to be better about updating it more often. Enjoy!

So That's Where All of the Bees Went!

Back in February, the New York Times reported that honeybees were disappearing, leaving farms and orchards across the country unpollinated and crops in peril. So where might the bees have gone? Are they overworked? Dying in the fields? Being killed by mites? Killed by insecticides?

Maybe they're just on holiday.

According to an article in Reuters yesterday (granted, they don't specify the type of bee):

"A passenger plane was forced to land after flying into a swarm of British bees Thursday.

The Palmair Boeing 737, with 90 passengers on board, had to return to Bournemouth Airport in southern England shortly after take-off following an engine surge.

The pilot decided to abort the flight to Faro in Portugal and returned for safety checks. The plane's engine was thought to have become clogged with bees, the company said Friday.

Huge clouds of bees have been seen around Bournemouth over the past few days, a spokeswoman said."

My Fairy Godmother

My little fairy godmother click-clacked her way across the room to me, magic wand twinkling, promise in her eyes.

In a soft, southern drawl (who knew?), she asked,

"And what do you wish for my deah?"

I answered,

"I wish for two beautiful daughters. But wait! I have that already!"

She graciously offered me another chance.

"What else will you wish for?"

I replied,

"I wish for two healthy, brilliant little girls. Oh, but I have that already, too!"

Fairy Godmother was becoming impatient.


"Then I shall wish for you."

She paused and scanned my frame, head to foot. With a stomp of one small, glass-clad foot and an elaborate wave of the wand, she announced:

"You shall have some nice clothes that actually fit."

With a toss of her head, Fairy Godmother click-clacked back the way she had come, refusing to acknowledge the peals of laughter that followed.

But is it a Diet?

I saw a friend today, a woman I hadn't seen in months. Like me, she has two daughters and is a S.A.H.M. And while I felt a bit on the schlumpy side today--you know, baggy eyes, I showered but didn't wash my hair, forgot to shave and wore cropped pants anyway--she looked, in a word, fantastic. She looked rested and relatively relaxed. And also a lot thinner than the last time I saw her.

I know you're not supposed to comment on the weight thing, but I couldn't help myself. I didn't go all the way to the "Wow! You've lost weight!" But out slipped:

"Wow! You look FABULOUS!"

"Thanks! It's my new diet: wine, cigarettes and the alarm I have on my ass."

"I'm sorry, the what?"

"Yeah, apparently I have an alarm on my ass. It goes off every time I sit down. Someone always wants something, so I never get to eat."

Being a closet smoker also seems to help as she has to run outside every time she wants a cigarette. Her four-year-old thinks that, since Mom is always checking them, the sprinklers are in really bad shape.

Under the Category of "Are You Effing Kidding Me?!"

Spoiled little rich girl gets busted for drunk driving.
Spoiled little rich girls has her drivers license suspended.
Spoiled little rich girl drives on suspended license and signs a document acknowledging that she was driving on a suspended license.
Spoiled little rich girl is stopped again for driving on a suspended license.
Spoiled little rich girl gets 45 days in the county jail.

Idiot fans post online petition asking Governor Schwarzenegger to pardon her for her "honest mistake."

The petition opens by stating that "SLRG" is an heiress who brings hope and beauty and excitement to their lives. No, really. It goes on to list the other celebrities who "never served a day in jail after their initial arrests" while ignoring the fact that SLRG wasn't sentenced to jail for the initial arrest--she received only the token slap on the wrist--probation and suspension of her drivers license.

The kicker comes with the mention of Gerald Ford's pardon of Richard Nixon. Ford, when issuing the pardon, said that his motive was to end the "long national nightmare." In light of that, I think that 45 days in the slammer is fair for SLRG, but unfair to the American public as a much longer sentence would spare us the daily nightmare of being treated to the exploits of at least one "celebrity."

Well I Didn't Make It Into Print This Time . . .

but another of my letters to the editor of the SJ Mercury News was included in the Online Extras.

I didn't know it was there until I Googled my name this morning:

"Contrary to what Robert Wright states (Letters, March 11), Ann Coulter's comment about John Edwards was not a joke. It was an outrageous comment by a very intelligent woman who persists in acting like a child. To great effect, I might add. She is quite aware that comments such as this get her back in the news, a particularly useful tactic when one has a book to sell. If you have to qualify every utterance with "some people just can't take a joke,'' perhaps you're not that funny after all."

March 14, 2007

Dear Fathead,

I'm sorry I didn't get your name, so let's just go with Fathead.

At tonight's Sharks/Red Wings game, some of us could tell that you were not fully aware of some basic fan etiquette (yes, there is etiquette in hockey, whether it involves not leaving on a beer run while the puck is in play, or just not rupturing the eardrums of your neighbors). Thomas would not allow me to address these issues at the game, but I hope you will take these few thoughts for what they are: an invitation to never, ever sit behind me at a hockey game again. Or behind the couple to our right. Or any of the four couples in the row in front of us.

First things first: Getting excited and yelling is expected and, indeed, encouraged. Yelling so hard that you spit on the woman in front of you is not. While I appreciate the apology, it is somewhat negated by the continued intermittent showers.

Next: Screaming "THIS IS AN ELIMINATION GAME" over and over and over again is possibly not as helpful as you think it might be. I hear they cover these things in the pre-game and then again between periods.

Third: Do not make the mistake of verbally attacking one of the team's most popular and hard-working players. Especially after at least five people told you to leave Mike Grier alone; there is a reason he gets so much ice time (for starters, think penalty killer).

Fourth: Please do not scream at the players to get back to their game if you don't actually know how their game works. One negative continually mentioned by sports writers and analysts is that the Sharks are too nice; they are considered the nice guys of the NHL. And their imported "mean-streak," Bill Guerin, was out for the past two games after taking a slap shot to the face. So telling them to get back to the hitting and the slashing and "putting Chelios into a wheelchair," eh, that's not really up their alley. And as much as I hated seeing the Sharks lose tonight, watching "the old man" was amazing--I don't think he's going to be ready for a wheelchair any time soon.

Lastly: Do not assume that buying your tickets from the season ticket holder entitles you to "see some scoring." Neither the team nor any other tickets holders in attendance will be impressed. Nor do we want to know how much you paid for said tickets. But yes, by all means, get them closer to the ice next year.

Ah. I feel better now! Now if only I could stop the ringing in my ears . . .

Hands Off the Chocolate!

Ah, Chocolate--the magnificent indulgence available in every price range and level of chocolaty goodness, which in my house ranges from M&M's Dark to a 72% bittersweet--emphasis on bitter, and even a 90% for baking. I will freely admit to having chocolate more days than not and will, in a pinch, even have a Hershey's bar.

It's bad enough that the major US chocolate companies have, for years, been offering a steady stream of chocolate that is, in my humble opinion, too heavy on the milk and of a more inferior quality than that made by independent companies. (There are, of course, a few bright spots, like Dove Chocolate, M&M's Dark and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups.) But now the US Chocolate Manufacturers Association has quietly petitioned the US Food and Drug Administration to request a change in the ingredients required to label a food as "chocolate."

In place of cocoa butter they want to substitute VEGETABLE SOLIDS. In place of MILK they want to use "WHEY," the watery remains after milk has been curdled and strained. It's also a by-product of cheese. They can offer any rationale they want, but without much thought one can arrive at the conclusion that price is the prime motivator. But without cocoa butter and milk, is it chocolate? Hell no.

Guittard Chocolate of Burlingame, CA, is leading the charge against the US Chocolate Manufacturers Association's petition. But you can help! Check out Don't Mess With Our Chocolate for info on how to let the FDA know that you want your chocolate to be just that: chocolate.

The public comment period has been extended until June 25, so please get all of the chocolate lovers you know to submit their comments to the FDA.