Dear Fathead,

I'm sorry I didn't get your name, so let's just go with Fathead.

At tonight's Sharks/Red Wings game, some of us could tell that you were not fully aware of some basic fan etiquette (yes, there is etiquette in hockey, whether it involves not leaving on a beer run while the puck is in play, or just not rupturing the eardrums of your neighbors). Thomas would not allow me to address these issues at the game, but I hope you will take these few thoughts for what they are: an invitation to never, ever sit behind me at a hockey game again. Or behind the couple to our right. Or any of the four couples in the row in front of us.

First things first: Getting excited and yelling is expected and, indeed, encouraged. Yelling so hard that you spit on the woman in front of you is not. While I appreciate the apology, it is somewhat negated by the continued intermittent showers.

Next: Screaming "THIS IS AN ELIMINATION GAME" over and over and over again is possibly not as helpful as you think it might be. I hear they cover these things in the pre-game and then again between periods.

Third: Do not make the mistake of verbally attacking one of the team's most popular and hard-working players. Especially after at least five people told you to leave Mike Grier alone; there is a reason he gets so much ice time (for starters, think penalty killer).

Fourth: Please do not scream at the players to get back to their game if you don't actually know how their game works. One negative continually mentioned by sports writers and analysts is that the Sharks are too nice; they are considered the nice guys of the NHL. And their imported "mean-streak," Bill Guerin, was out for the past two games after taking a slap shot to the face. So telling them to get back to the hitting and the slashing and "putting Chelios into a wheelchair," eh, that's not really up their alley. And as much as I hated seeing the Sharks lose tonight, watching "the old man" was amazing--I don't think he's going to be ready for a wheelchair any time soon.

Lastly: Do not assume that buying your tickets from the season ticket holder entitles you to "see some scoring." Neither the team nor any other tickets holders in attendance will be impressed. Nor do we want to know how much you paid for said tickets. But yes, by all means, get them closer to the ice next year.

Ah. I feel better now! Now if only I could stop the ringing in my ears . . .