Charlotte will be three in January. And, after clinging to some of them for more than five years, I've finally packed up my maternity clothes. Tomorrow, I will take them to Goodwill. For a long time, I jokingly told myself--and other people--that I kept the clothes because they were the nicest I'd ever had. And, in some cases, eh, maybe that was close to being true. But like most other things, the truth was a little more complicated.
When Charlotte was about six months old, Thomas and I talked about having another baby. Crazy, I know. Because of my history, my OB thought it prudent to send us to a fertility specialist. Basically, I'm high risk in several categories: Multiple miscarriages, two premature births, my age, a "structural abnormality," etc., etc., etc. We decided that we'd give it a few months and a lot more thought.
In the end, it wasn't just the high-risk stuff, but also that I was tired of getting up in the middle of the night after night. Sometimes for the whole night. I'm not young enough to do well on so little sleep. It makes me cranky (crankier). Irritable. Short-tempered. But even though we had decided that our family was just perfect, every month without fail, I'd experience mingled anticipation and dread, followed by both relief and sorry. Because I always thought I was pregnant. And I never was.
But I kept the maternity clothes because getting rid of them would have been an admission that I was done. No more babies. No more baby smell. No more warm, toasty little someone snuggled up to me. And that has to be ok, because I am old-ish and tired. I don't really want to change any more diapers or change spit-up soaked clothes (mine) every hour.
So tomorrow I drop off the clothes. Which means I'll be pregnant before the year is out. Kidding!
We had our own baby talk the other day. If you have to know it the topic was "a puppy or a third baby?". While E. was surprised I put it this way ("like a baby would be so much more work? ahem, I mean a puppy" Kidding! he did not say that although he strongly doubts that a puppy involves any work at all) I was that one saying that we are very happy as we are and that it would not be terrible to remain just the way we are. In the back of my mind I am scared at the way a new baby would throw up in the air hardly established balances (like a full night sleep with (almost no) interruption or going back to school or to work. I am also terribly sad that this could be it. E. ended up saying that he still hopes for a larger family... at some point. So i am back to square one I guess.
Someone I know once put it this way:
taxis only seat 4 (usually). there's an extra seat on the airplane to pay for. an extra hotel room, eventually. losing a good night's sleep all over again. two (or 3) more years of diapers. all true, all terribly pragmatic. but some days I still wish for my little boy. His name is Jak.
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